I am pretty sure this is how my family and friends refer to me. I may be "only" 56, but it feels like I have had a long and complex life! Definitely not what I had expected, and not without trauma and multiple paradigm shifts, but I like to think that I have hung in there, learned and grown, and continue to work things through.
That said, it seems appropriate to give a little background. My parents divorced when I was two, and my mother returned to her home Southern California with two little girls in tow. She married again when I was four. I grew up as the oldest child, except for the brief visits of my step father's children, all but one of whom is older than me. We were not a close or "blended" family. Life for my parents was a struggle, but I know now from my own experiences that they tried hard to do the best they could, and give my sister and I everything possible.
I was raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; a "Mormon". In school, I sang in choirs, dabbled in photography, journalism, creative writing and service clubs. Also boys! My best friend and I were the first girls to run on the track team in our school, and I was also the first female Athletic Trainer in San Diego County high schools. I was a Teacher's Aide for the special education school in town. After graduation, I attended Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. My declared majors were Education and Music, but I was really there to find a husband who would be strong in my faith.
My upbringing had given me certain expectations. A strong leader-type husband, a "forever" family, a godly heritage for my children. There were certainly plenty of candidates at college, where at the time, 96% of the students and faculty were Mormons! I made my choice during the first semester of my second year, got married and did not graduate. In my ignorance of life, I fully expected him to be my prince charming, and for life to be smooth and happy and fulfill all my dreams.
Without boring you with details, it was a roller coaster ride from the beginning. I found out how people change when life gets tough; including me. My perspective, outlook and expectations changed markedly in just the first five years. By then, we had five children (two from his first marriage), several moves, repeated employment difficulties, and a couple of serious medical issues. Over the course of thirteen years, the medical problems continued, finances were critical most of the time, there were difficulties with children- now numbering 8- and it was definitely not what I had expected life to be! The revelations concerning the abuse of our children by my husband brought an abrupt end to the relationship, but not to the difficulties of managing life and family, and trying to bring some kind of comprehension to my mind.
I moved on. And on. Changed my religion but not my foundational beliefs, and married three more men (sequentially!) over the next 13 years. Raised children, dealt with circumstances, brought three more little ones into the world, and parented two more whose mother could not. Some of my older children did not take the changes well and left my home. My parents and siblings were offended over my religious decisions. Many of them do not speak to me or stay in contact. All the relationships I thought would be "forever" have not proven to be.
In the process, I have developed PTSD. Plus I am an "HSP"; a Highly Sensitive Person. I take things hard. I have high expectations of myself and those around me. My relationships and life experience have been difficult. There are things about my life that I am only now just understanding. I hope that's normal! It seems to me that I am finally at a point to think about caring for myself, examining and experiencing things I have not taken the time and energy for before. So I hope you will bear with me, enjoy the things I am exploring and writing about, and share with me your own journey. I promise this won't be a continual rant about my difficulties; I do have a lot of joy and am looking forward to the days and years ahead. Part of my motivation for this blog is to share all that I have learned and express my own hope and victory over myself and the circumstances I've experienced. As I like to say, "Onwards and Upwards"!
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