This morning I read someone else's blog giving advice to new mothers. It was an interesting insight. This mother has two children and is pregnant with a third. There is no doubt she's "been there", but her perspective and counsel from the experience baffled me a bit. I got to thinking about what I would have to say to a prospective or a new mom. So here it is:
1. His attitude (assuming there's a "him") makes just as much difference as yours. The truth is, parenting is supposed to be done by a female and a male. I acknowledge that the birther and primary caregiver is usually the mother, but if you don't have help and support, and the same expectations and philosophies, it is going to be a rough trip. This starts even before you get pregnant; preferably, before you married. I didn't think it was so important, and my first marriage was to a man who wasn't very interested in supporting me during pregnancy and birth, nor did he really concern himself with how we would raise our children. Being LDS at the time, his response was, "in the Church". Well, I can tell you, if there are problems in the home, no religious upbringing is going to save those children. It is more likely that they will grow up to see your hypocrisy and you will lose them. This applies to any area of parenting where you two obviously don't agree, one tries to cover for the other, you play "good parent/bad parent", etc. So get that settled upon, at least in general, before you make either a commitment to each other, and especially, a commitment to a child.
2. Educate yourself. Take childbirth and parenting classes, preferably together. READ. One of my biggest disappointments when I had my first child is that I did not have a "classic" birth; it was long and hard and I panicked because it was not what I expected. The Drs. interventions to speed up my labor were an unwelcome surprise. In this day of YouTube, you also should have access to a myriad of birth and parenting options, stories and examples. You can read books, watch videos, and get a really good idea of the many ways you can approach pregnancy, birth and parenting. I personally think this is a great thing to do in some degree as a couple, with discussion. Don't be frightened, or seek after the horror stories. What is terrible and over-dramatized in one person, is normal or just something to deal with in another. Parenting will have plenty of ups and downs and surprises; you don't need to be worrying about someone else's!
3. Pregnancy can be a challenge. But it is also a joy. I wish I had focused more on all my new discoveries and my anticipation rather than being uncomfortable, or trying to avoid horror stories. Feel free to tell those well meaning drama queens that you don't want to hear how much they hurt or how awful certain things are. You can't know in advance if you'll have a quick, easy, long, complicated, cesarean, early, late, induced, or-any-other-type of birth. Learn what the possibilities are, and pray that you will be safe, healthy and happy. If you have a family history that concerns you, discuss it with your Dr. or midwife. Encourage your husband to do the same. Supportive family members and friends can also be a great resource, but again, don't get caught up in all the warnings and even their expectations of what your experience will be. It will be unique to you!
4. OK. Some things do hurt. Being big and kicked at constantly. Not fitting into your clothes, car or a chair the way you expect. Rude or thoughtless comments about you, your choices, your appearance, your presumed ability- or not- to be a parent. Most of it will pass. You're emotional, he is too, and hopefully, you won't take it hard or hang onto the hurt. Labor itself is not a walk in the park, although I have met women for whom it was a 20 minute experience. For me, I experienced pressure and hating the equipment far more than what I would call "pain". That came the day after my son was born, and I was really upset that no one had warned me that your whole body hurts from the effort you've made, going to the bathroom can be difficult and different, and you really are a new person with new responsibilities! You will never feel or look at life the same after you've brought a child into the world, and feel that burden of a life dependent on you.
5. Now this blog I read today said to take your newborn around with you, because they sleep a lot and it's easier. I don't agree. Go home and rest. Cuddle together. If at all possible, sleep when the baby does, and be up when he is. If family or friends want to cook and clean and pamper you, let them. After 9 months of growth and change and the intensity of labor and parenthood, you deserve it. So does your husband! Some churches or support groups or families make it a point to send in meals. Be grateful. Even if you "prepared" with food in your freezer or cupboards, the first two weeks at least should be as much rest as you can get. I was given this counsel, decided to ignore it and "prove" that I was up and capable. Then at about six weeks, I would crash and run out of energy, just when the baby started getting more active and it really was time to be back on my feet. I also believe that it is better to acclimate the child to the home environment, let routines and "getting to know each other" happen, before hauling the baby all over. People can't help peeking and poking and wanting to hang over that little cherub. She doesn't need the exposure. Take her when you must or want to, but not purposely dragging yourselves around town, or the country.
6. I will share here my favorite "after birth" experience. During the latter end of carrying my sixth child, my husband's workplace blew up. It made national news, being blown apart by an explosion at a plant next door. All the windows in our home cracked or broke. We were safe, thank goodness, and the greatest blessing was that the plant he worked at had insurance for this kind of thing. So he continued to be paid. By the time I gave birth, the house was repaired and the workers from the plant were doing volunteer work in the community in return for their regular checks. It was July, it was hot in Nevada, and it was a big relief when I went into labor and had our son. It also happened to be days before the scheduled family reunion that my whole family was devoted to! We made arrangements with our next door neighbors to keep an eye on me and the baby, and husband and five children left me "all alone" for a whole week. It was wonderful. I slept, ate and watched TV with my baby in the recliner. Our friends brought in food and visited a little, but for the most part, I spent my time cuddling, sleeping, catching up on some reading, some TV, phone calls, and getting to know my sweet little boy. I have cherished those memories for 28 years. It was worth it. So again, if you have the chance for peace and quiet, and being pampered, take it.
7. No matter how your pregnancy or birth goes, don't be a martyr. Yes, something bad or unexpected may happen. I have several personal accounts that involve the "surprises" in my life. Yes, they have been painful, and changed my life forever. But you know what? That's called LIFE. In my experience, education is the best way to be prepared before, during and after whatever may come your way. For things you can expect, learn all you can prior to the "event'. If it's ongoing or of unknown duration, research, ask questions, and do the best you can as you go. It is very rarely someone's "fault" for what happens in your life. Mental preparation for possibilities and developing a good attitude about life in general also really helps. You might go under a bit, but soon enough you will float, then swim, then pull yourself out of the deep water. Really. It doesn't seem like it at the time, but things work out. Even when there is no cure, no healing, life doesn't go back to "normal"; even in the face of death and loss, you have it within you to make it through. I have used my faith in God. I hope you will find your own path of understanding and acceptance.
8. Babies are fun. They are also scary, unpredictable, annoying, messy, demanding, vocal but not communicative, wiggly, slippery...and then they become teenagers. There are calm children and the not-so-calm. There are things you can learn to do to help you understand and raise whatever you get. It works best, as I said, if both parents are involved and committed. The real truth is that every stage of life has it's challenges; where your child is, where you are, where others you love and care for may be. Enjoy all you can, stay educated, and let go of what you can't change. No matter whose problem it is! You will find great joy in educating and smoothing the path for your little one(s). There is plenty of advice out there, and no matter what your income or circumstances, you can raise them with joy and knowledge. Even if you do it by yourself. Learn enough so that you can be confident; compare opposing views, listen respectfully to all the advice you will be given, and then do what you know is right and best. This is your child, and your responsibility. Hopefully you intend to be responsible. If not, love that child enough to let someone who can and will care for it have that opportunity.
9. When I had my first child, I went home after three days in the hospital in my size 4 pants. I was so arrogant! By the fourth, I had to work to get back down to weight, and by the sixth, I had decided that my weight should be about 10 lbs more than previously! I don't advocate being fat and slobby, and not caring about your body, but don't go nuts over how much you weigh, or how long before you feel good enough to get back to regular exercise. Stretching and walking and building up to heavier activity is easier on your body. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, not even yourself! Some women are raring to go and jump right back into exercise, and others don't or can't. It's your body, and you have to decide what you need. I had the opportunity with one baby to put him in a Snugli; a front facing, soft baby pack. I walked with a group at the park every morning. It was great. He was the only one I managed to do that with.
10. Know yourself. And learn to know yourself again after you have the baby! Well meaning people and husbands will try to tell you what is right or wrong, what you need or don't, every angle of the spectrum between the anything goes and the "keep 'em in padding and don't let them out of the house" parents. You have to set the boundaries for your life and your activities, and what you are going to allow in the life of your child(ren). And you will change your mind. Experience, as they say, is a great teacher. It won't hurt your child if you discover that something isn't working and you change it. Well, it will if you are changing every day or on a whim, but honestly, if you are going along and the circumstances change, or the result isn't what you wanted, learn some more and make the changes you want to! Your expectations are going to change all throughout your life. Your child is going to impact you in ways you can't possibly plan for. Keep learning and growing and evaluating what you want. Find the joy, no matter how difficult things are.
This is enough for now. I can't cram all my experiences and reasons why into one post, and that's probably a good thing! I just hope you'll realize that you are on a grand adventure, and while no one can make you any promises, it will be your ride and your expectations that will shape much of what is to come. I believe parenthood can be more joy than struggle; that pregnancy and birth are a precious, albeit "short" time period where you can dream and prepare and anticipate all the good things you want for yourself, husband and child. Look ahead. Have faith in yourself. Become educated so you won't be taken so much by surprise by the things life can throw at you. Hold fast to your faith and your love. You will need them for the rest of your life. Be blessed.
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